LOCKS ON LOOS

During my last cocktail party someone came up to me and said there was a problem with the lock on my bathroom door.  He said that someone had been locked in there.  It was late in the party and I was pretty well looped, so I remember glancing at the bathroom and seeing the door open.  I could not understand the problem and at the moment I did not care.

The following morning (after my hangover eased) I remember the incident and took a look at the lock.  There  is the usual little twist lock on the inside with just a small hole on the outside of the door knob.  Since I live alone, I rarely even close the door.   You can lock it from the inside, but when I twisted the door knob, the lock released.  Briefly I thought about getting one of those little keys you use in emergencies when someone falls or faints inside with the door locked.  But where would you get such a tool in Mexico and I quickly forgot about the whole incident.

Last week I had invited one of the guys I play bridge with over to see my apartment. He had heard about what I had done with it and wanted to see it.    I love showing off my apartment, for everyone comments on how beautiful it is.  We had some pizza from my local coffee lady and a few drinks (quite a few actually).  At some point he asked to use the bathroom.  Sometime after he left and just before I was going to bed, I decided to use the bathroom myself.  It was by now after eleven at night.   In spite of my advanced age, I have a remarkable bladder so I had not even noticed that the door was closed.  It was locked !  There was no way to get in.  Immediately I thought of that little key I needed to open the door.  Well, I did not have one but maybe an Allen wrench would work.  I had purchased a set when I had to put my glass topped desk together.  But that was years ago and of course I could not find them anywhere.

I tried a small screw driver, then a kitchen skewer, but the hole in the door knob was so small that nothing would fit into it.  You see people crashing through doors all the time on T.V, so I tried that.  Apparently the door was stronger than my shoulder.  Besides what if the whole door splintered?  Where would I get one to match?  I was sure that Saul could open it, but getting him here before noon tomorrow would be a challenge.  I could pee over the wall on my deck, but what about in the morning when I needed to do more than pee?   In the remodel of the church across the street they added some  public bathrooms with an entrance fee of five pesos.  I do not like living across the street from a public bathroom (although it is quite attractive for Mexico).  At the moment it seemed like a God sent.  But at night it was closed by a sort of aluminum garage door and I was not sure when it would open.

It was by now almost midnight, but I knew my friend Richard did not go to bed until late, so I called him.  I think he was still up although he did seem a little irritated when I asked if I could come over in the morning and use his bathroom.  Because he stays up late, he does not get up early.  Well, I thought I could just lie in bed longer and hope I could make up the hill to his house in the morning.  None of the above really seemed like a viable solution, so I went back to the lock. The hole was really small.  I took a ball point pen apart and inserted it into the hole and pushed

and "voila" the lock popped open. What a relief and I am sure my neighbors would be happy to know that I did not have to pee off my roof.

Next time I see Saul, I will have him take a look at it.  If I was ever actually locked in there, it would be days before anyone found me.  If you wonder how I come up with all these situations every month, let me tell you that they are all based on fact and true (well, maybe a little embellished for amusement purposes).


                                          ***********************************

THEATER IN PUERTO VALLARTA

You may be surprised to hear how much live entertainment we have in our little village.  Many bars have either jazz bands, mariachis, or single acts.   Yes, many of the performers are drag queens or strippers, but we do have a lot of legitimate theater.   Several years ago the Theatro Vallarta was built.  It is still the largest (though not the most attractive) of all the performing arts centers.  It is also located way across the river (which I rarely cross) and most of the entertainment is designed for the Mexican population.  They do have live broadcasts from the Met, however.   Its future is also somewhat in doubt as the mayor just stole 6.5 million pesos from its budget.  Welcome to Mexico.

Most of the smaller venues are in the Zona Romatica where I live (and most of the expats).  There is a sort of senior community center that has live performances every week end during the season (mostly singers and musicians).  There is also The Palm, a night club with nightly entertainment.  They have singers, comics, and put on plays as well.  It was one of the first and started many of the other groups that have opened in the last few years.   I have seen Broadway plays and entertainers from the U.S. and Canada and Europe (Mexican too, of course).  My problem with the stage at The Palm is that there are too many pillars in the room and it seems I always get stuck behind one of them.

The Boutique Theater was formed by a group from the Palm and originally opened in a tiny place just around the corner from my former apartment (you will remember it as the Little House of Horrors).  After a couple of years they moved to a larger venue just a few blocks from my current address.  A friend of mine has performed in several of the plays (he was Dennis in Auntie Mame).  The performances are all quite good and entertaining, though not quite Broadway quality.  Since some of the performers are Mexican I have trouble understanding their English.  But for less than $20.00 it is a very enjoyable evening.

This year Act II (who had been staging plays at the Palm) opened its own theater. They broke away for the Boutique Theater several years ago.   Where they are getting the money, I have no idea.  I just hope they don't run out of money.  It was built just two blocks from me above the Argentine Steak House.  It is the largest venue on this side of the river and definitely the most beautiful on any side of the river.  There is a very large theater with a professional stage where I saw the opening act of "A Chorus Line".  It was certainly as good as any off Broadway production I saw in California.

Next to that theater is the Red Room.  A sort of cabaret with a stage, small tables and chairs and a horse shoe shaped bar.  There are different venues every night and sometimes two a night  It is very upscale and beautiful done.  Lorna Luft will be there in March  (not as good as Liza, or her mother "Judy", but still a class act).  A friend of mine was the original designer for the renovation of the theater.  When I first saw his plans, I was astounded at how beautiful (and expensive looking) it looked.  There is a sort of lounge or martini bar planned next to the cabaret.  The design called for an elaborate tile floor and bar and a stained glass and chandelier ceiling.  The opening has been delayed and delayed.  My friend finally quit as they have not paid him (typical Mexico) although the owners are all American.  I do hope it opens this year, but we will see.

Dantes (the largest art gallery) has opened a wine bar above the gallery.  It is a very elegant (and expensive) and has a lot of art work displayed on the walls and over looks the sculpture garden.  They also have entertainment (sometimes jazz).  Even at $5.00 for the cheapest glass of wine, it is well worth the experience.  I highly recommend it.